she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He passed out mid-signature
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize