i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
