Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
