I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
