They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
