Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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