Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
