I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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