she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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