I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
