I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
