Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
