I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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