Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
