Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
