I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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