i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
