im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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