Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
