Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
