I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
