Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
