where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
