I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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