Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
