I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
