Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
