last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
