I didn't shave. On purpose
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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