you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
