I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
