It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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