I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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