I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize