I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
