Swine flu. Run for my life!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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