he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
