dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
