im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
