i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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