did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
