I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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