There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize