yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
