dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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