Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
