Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
