When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
