i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
