I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
