Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
