I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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