First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
