So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
