After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize