My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
