If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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