dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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