i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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