her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
