Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
